Hello.
Baby, it's Conrad. You ready to love me today?
You know I love all living things...
...that don't waste my time.
How about your own series called Sea-Force 9...
...and it's set in an underwater research colony.
- Sounds stupid. - Stupid, great.
But listen, these idiots, they want you to audition.
- Audition? - You need to do a little research before that.
Research? When?
Now. I'm down at your massive gate.
Okay.
You're not leaving, Beck Bristow?
What can I do, baby?
My craft calls out to me, like a lover.
Your craft? Am I not also your lover, Beck Bristow?
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
For now.
Press that line, mister.
Shoulders back. You. Suck in that gut.
- I beg your pardon? - Suck in the pooch, woman.
- I do not have a pooch. - Jelly sac?
Whatever you call it.
Straighten up, pugs.
I want this place shipshape for when Hollywood actor Beck Bristow gets here.
I don't have time to babysit a stupid actor.
Silence in the ranks. That Beck Bristow is not a baby.
He's a famous grown-up Hollywood actor.
Well, if he's so damn famous, how come I've never heard of him?
The question on everyone's lips.
Hi. I'm Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
And I am soaking wet.
Hi, Beck Bristow. Hi, hi, hi.
You must be Captain Murray.
Oh, ll am., I am., I am. Yes, I am.
Although, and this does not reflect on any of you as people, per se...
...but I'm not gonna remember any of your names.
- Not a problem. - So if I wish to speak to anyone...
...I'll probably address that person simply as "Hey."
- No sweat, Becky. - And never call me Becky.
Because Beck Bristow hates that, huh?
Yes, he certainly does.
And this, of course, is the reactor.
What's she got, about 200 meVs per decay cycle?
Of course, I'm assuming fusion at a constant state of subcriticality.
Man, you sure know a lot about reactors.
Well, I didn't win an Emmy for this pretty face, buddy.
Yeah. Daytime Emmy.
All right, then. Guess you don't want to see it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do.
No. Murray, let me tell you something.
- What's up? - You're great, okay?
But I also find myself intensely bored by you.
I thought we were having fun.
Yeah, and you know what? You're exactly right.
- Cool. - But for my Sea-Force 9 research...
...maybe I should hang out with the...
How do I put this?
With the grunts.
- The grunts? - Yeah. You know...
-...in the trenches. - Then trenches Beck Bristow shall have.
This trench sucks.
Thanks a lot, Bristow.
No, thank you, chair guy.
This is perfect for my research.
Dig. Dig, you rat-faced bastards.
Just kidding. You guys are great.
It's your fault we're digging this stupid trench. So how about you--
Hey.
Hey what?
No, I'm addressing you now.
My name is Dr. Quinn.
Not gonna remember that.
I don't care if you remember my name.
- I wish I had a mnemonic device. - Just stay out of my face, Bristow.
What rhymes with "black"?
- Crack. - Stormy, shut your ass up.
All I'm getting is "angry black man."
- You ain't seen angry. - That doesn't help me with the actual name.
I'm gonna climb up out of this hole and make you say my damn name.
- And I'll just forget it five minutes later. - God, you're a self-absorbed ass.
Now, you see, chair guy over there I remember, but...
-...that just cost him the slot. - Uh, what slot?
The network is letting me choose the technical advisor on Sea-Force 9, people.
- Your famous Hollywood TV show? - Hey, hey.
- How much does it pay? - Oh, man. Ass-loads.
And you're gonna pick one of us?
Well, unless you think I'm too self-absorbed.
No, no. I was talking to Quinn.
- Who? - Me!
Oh, right. Angry black guy.
He's not always angry. I think maybe he just feels...
...threatened by you.
- Who's that? - Quinn.
- Help me out here. - Angry black guy.
No, help me out with my foot. It's cramping ever so slightly.
How's that?
Words fail me.
Bet you say that to all the girls.
I'm not a huge fan of clichés like that, baby.
- You were kidding. - No, I wasn't.
But I just remembered a funny story from when I was on Oz.
- Oh, I love Hollywood gossip. - Hush. I'm talking.
So it's set in prison, right?
And my character is getting raped by this other guy, and--
How is that funny?
He was dressed like a clown.
It must be fascinating to be Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
It is, baby. You know what else is fascinating?
- Tell me. - Hot, nasty sex...
-...with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow. - Are you propositioning me?
No. Merely stating a fact.
For you, hot, nasty sex with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow...
...will remain a dream unrealized.
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
I just have to-- I have to go now. Okay, bye.
As Hollywood actor Beck Bristow thrills to the sensation of tiny bubbles...
...caressing his tan, muscular bottom--
Beck. Beck, is this it?
Does that look like the rubber ducky of Hollywood actor Beck Bristow?
- Murray. - Yeah?
Forget the ducky. I'm not learning anything here.
- I never do. - What if I killed a gigantic shark?
Oh, sure. But why?
"Famous Hollywood Actor Beck Bristow Kills Shark in Preparation for Role."
In Hollywood, we call that a PR coup, buddy.
I don't know. Sounds really dangerous.
As is any life worth living.
Wow, where'd you learn how to do that?
On the set of Escape From Atlantis.
I played Joriath.
- Did you see it? - No, but that was amazing.
No, what's amazing is how tenaciously that tough old bastard clung to life.
Yeah, till you jacked him up.
- Murray. - Totally jacked him up.
I won't have you gloating over the carcass of this magnificent beast.
My bad.
He gave his life so we may have a sumptuous feast.
Shark's fin soup and delicacies from his innards.
- Awesome. - A feast befitting Hollywood actor...
-...Beck Bristow, the shark slayer. - Totally.
Have the chef prepare the repast while I anoint myself with oils.
- Beck? - Yes, Murray?
- Will there be coleslaw? - Don't you just know there will.
Three cheers for the shark slayer. Hip, hip...
- Hooray. Hip, hip-- - This is crap.
You came down here to do research for a TV show about underwater research.
Killing an innocent shark is not research.
- Who are you again? - Dr. Quinn.
Right, the black guy. I don't know why I keep blanking on that.
- When you killed this shark-- - I worked with tons of brothers on Oz.
And when you killed this shark, you violated every principle Sealab stands for.
What about being nude in the hot tub with your girlfriend?
- What? - That violate any principles?
- Is this true? - It sounds way worse than it is.
- Sparks, let me get some slaw. - Shut up.
- She strokes a good foot, bro. - She what?
- No, no. He had a foot cramp. - I can vouch for that.
- Give me some damn coleslaw. - Shut up.
- I saw his toes curl up. - He came on to me.
- Yeah, right. - On your feet, Bristow.
Bro, why would I come on to her? I'm a famous Hollywood actor.
Who is five seconds from getting my foot in his ass.
- Coleslaw, damn it. - Shut up!
- I didn't come on to him. - Hang on, okay?
Hey, fun bags, would you like to run away with me back to Hollywood?
- Oh, whatever. - No, I'm serious. Come on.
- We had a moment there. - I can vouch for that.
- I know you felt it. - I saw her toes curl up.
Come away with me to my palatial home in the sun-drenched hills.
- Shut your mouth, Bristow. - Well, hang on a second.
Woman, you are on thin ice.
Look into my ridiculously piercing blue eyes.
Beck. Are you serious?
- No, of course not. - You bastard.
- Merely illustrating my point. - Me and you, Bristow. Outside.
- Kick his ass, Quinn. - Your ass is next.
Hey, Quinn, wait. You saw what he did to this bigass shark.
- You can taste his awesome power. - Yeah. He'll kill you.
I'll see him in hell first.
Perfect, man. Awesome. That is exactly the kind of energy I need in a technical advisor.
- A what? - I knew I could get it out of you.
- Wait. This was some stupid test? - What is life, if not a stupid test?
Cast off this yoke and live a life of ease with me in sunny Hollywood.
- Well, yeah, okay. I'm in. - Sweet.
And you won't regret this for quite some time.
Thanks for everything, you...
...people.
Come on, black guy. My hovercraft awaits.
- Quinn, wait. - Go to hell, Debbie.
- Great knockers, though. - I can vouch for that.
No, they loved your read.
They're turning it into some crappy. late-night adult-cartoon thing.
That's gonna suck.
I've always told you I want you to do features anyway.
You and the rest of Western civilization.
By the way, how did that technical guy take it when you told him he didn't get the part?
He's cool. I set him up with another job. Actually, hang on a sec.
Hey, black guy. Don't just push the leaves around, okay?
That's why we have the net, right? Skim. Skim it.
F***ing idiot.
Sorry. You still there?
Hi. I'm Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
I hope you enjoyed my velvety voice during this cartoon, for which I earned $1200.
Get out.
To learn more about me and all the famous-guy stuff I do...
...visit my new website: hollywoodactaorbeckbristow.com.
And together, we can make me a huge star.
No, strike that. A huger star.
Because Beck Bristow is going supernova.
[ENGLISH]
Hey, woman, how about a grilled cheese up here for your daddy?